Last fall I did a thing and it's one the best decisions I ever made.
In 2011 I decided to get breast implants. I thought after a year of breastfeeding my child I needed a confidence booster. My breasts were basically non-existent. I told myself it was for "me". I wanted to feel good when I looked at my body and or wore certain things. But looking back I don't believe it was ever for me. My ego was made me think that. That's what the ego does. It makes you think you need bigger, better, more. The real surgery that needs to get done is of the soul. It can be painful and messy, but the deep incision and dissection is necessary. Once the ego learns to sit it's ass down you realize it was never about "feeling better about myself", and big boobs mean nothing in the game of life. If we had no mirrors and nobody to impress, why would we need to look different?? We are not our bodies. And I'm not gonna lie, seeing female friends and strangers with small breasts that are still strong, beautiful, confident and own their shit were inspiring to me. They showed me that you don't have a "perfect" body to be worthy. Fuck that cultural norm.
Yes, they were fun to shove in sexy little outfits, for for Halloween, and what not, but the anxiety, unexplainable health issues, annual mammograms, feeling uncomfortable in my body... I was so over it. I decided to have my breast implants removed after 9 years of being a "huge" part of me.
Having a foreign object in my body had me feeling like I was trapped, knowing the only fix was to be cut open. After much research and feeling like it would never happen, finally came the day, exactly 9 years after I got them. I opted to stay awake during the operation. I put my headphones in, blasted @codyjinks into my ear drums, and alternated between tapping my fingers to my favorite songs, meditating, focusing on my breath, and jumping into conversations with the crew. But my mind was still drawn to every. fucking. thing. they were doing. I felt every cut, smelled the burn, and could feel each stitch, in and out, long and slow, layer by layer (*note - these were not painful feelings as I was numb, but still pretty creepy).
But that feeling of release when he pulled out the implants was absolutely incredible. An instant cleansing feeling. A whoosh of satisfaction and relief. Both a physical and emotional feeling that's hard to explain unless you experience it. It was over. I was free. My surgeon and all the staff were exceptional. And so was my sweet friend who drove me to the clinic and waited for me afterwards with a matcha green tea and vegan muffin from @goddessbaker in hand. My husband was supportive when I got them in, and he was supportive when I wanted them out, always in favor of freedom of choice of our own bodies, and ensuring me that I'm beautiful no matter what I choose. The healing process was pretty easy. I really worried most about what I would look like afterwards. I thought I would look like a monster. I thought I would miss them, maybe even cry a little. Nope. I have felt fucking amazing since the second I got up off that operating table and looked down at my flat chest. I feel healthy, natural, confident, and so comfortable. I can lay on my stomach without feeling like I'm going to pop. I can fold forward in a sports bra during yoga and not see ripples through my side-boob. I love my perfect little tatas and I love my body the way it is. I wish for every woman to be comfortable with their bodies even if their breasts are "small". That is OKAY. Fake boobs are overrated. I am grateful for couple of my friends who removed their implants and answered all my questions, multiple times. Which is why I am writing this blog - to share my story and experience. Often times plastic surgery is kept so secretive. It's not usually something people are comfortable discussing openly, especially to strangers. If you're thinking of getting breast implants, or getting your implants removed and have any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I am happy to share my story and any other details or advice as needed. Peace and Love, Jamie
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